Quorn in a barn!

I’ve recently been persuaded by my partner to substitute my chicken and beef for quorn. When first suggested to me, this seemed like a horrific sacrifice, and I vaguely remembered the terrors of tofu as a younger man.

However, being confronted by a quorn stir-fry one evening, I was amazed to discover that this micro-protein meat substitute is pretty darn tasty. And very similar to meat itself. Also, it’s low-fat and cheap as chips. The new credit-crunch foodstuff perchance? Methinks so. Sainsbury’s Balham even have there own make which is even cheaper. Touche.

I would be really interested to know, though, how good it is to eat reconstructed stuff that’s made to taste like chicken and beef. I mean, there must be a lot of flavourings and additives getting bunged in. Will it be a health scare on the scale of mad cow in a couple of years. Who knows. Anything’s possible. But for now, I’ll save the pennies and the waistline and cook the quorn.

Imagine this v Oliver (New musical or revival?)

I recently went to see a new musical about the Warsaw Ghetto called Imagine This, playing at the New London theatre on Drury Lane.

Sitting in curious abandonment before curtain up, I was admiring the set and quaffing my vin rouge. As the show began, I was impressed by the stylish simplicity of the staging and the intriguing beginning, gently leading us into a horrific holocaust story of real heart.

The problem really lies in the parallel story of Masada, an ancient race of Jews who fought the Romans, and in the repetitive music and patchy plot (the female lover runs on attempting to kill the Roman centurion, only seconds later to start singing a love song. Where’s the stuff in-between?) So is it a triumph of a new musical? No not really. And will it encourage joe public to go to the theatre? I doubt it.

Playing down the road, is something that will definitely put bums on seats, and is already sold out for a good year, Oliver starring Rowan Atkinson and one of the Nancy contestants from telly. So, I wonder, is this better for theatre? No, not really. And will it encourage joe public to go to the theatre? Well, unfortunately, yes. And if that’s what we need to rejuvenate theatre in this country, then so be it. Although I have to say, why oh why can’t all this hype be put into a new musical rather than a tired revival of a sure-fire hit? I don’t know, but the scared producers of London Town certainly have some stuff to answer for. Would the real Cameron Macintosh please stand up?

Office bonding (yes, that's bonding!)

In my work-place there is no communal area. No café. No lounge to relax during break times and chat. No kitchen to bond over cups of tea. All we have is a cupboard with a sink, a kettle and a microwave. Needless to say, I work for the government. They treat us well.

Now, my theory runs as follows: the management believe that we work harder when we don’t chat too much. The best way of getting us to not chat is to provide us with no communal space. And therefore we focus and work non-stop.

My repost is this: without sufficient quality breaks during a day of work, the brain stops functioning properly and the work falls off at a rapid rate. If we were given decent options for tea breaks, I am sure the work-rate would improve. The management, obviously, have been unresponsive to my pleas.

Not only that, but there are still people whose names I don’t know. That, my friends, is not just my forgetfulness, but the deepset difficulty of bonding without a kitchenette. Bring on the Googleplex!

The Bills, the bills . . .

I live in Balham and I’ve just randomly been switched from edf energy to British gas. Now, I was perfectly happy with edf energy, my showers were hot, my telly switched on, and I paid a set amount each month.

But, apparently, edf energy weren’t supplying my gas. Shock, horror, the utilities companies have screwed it once more. So here I am, a couple of weeks later, with a big phone bill for the tiresome admin, same hot showers, same telly switching on, yet with a different company billing me. Curious.

The most annoying thing, actually, is that it will now work out as more expensive for me to be supplied with gas and electricity, because I negotiated a good deal six months ago. And in the current economic climate coupled with the current deep freeze settling over England, I wonder how I’m going to cope over the winter months. Big jumpers, methinks.

Does coffee make you feel better?

Right. So. I have a theory. When you wake up in the morning wondering how on earth you’re going to function, how you could possibly drag yourself out of bed for a second, and you think all you need is a coffee and you’ll be fine, then think again.

Because my theory goes like this: Although coffee give you an immediate burst of energy and awareness, after half an hour or so, you feel worse than before. Don’t believe me? Well, listen.

I was in a local Balham coffee shop, Bertie and Boos, and feeling a bit of morning grog. I ordered a double shot cappuccino and settled down to read the morning paper, safe in the knowledge that I’d be fine to face the day. I drank the coffee, felt great for twenty minutes, and then a little while later found myself asleep in the frothed milk, wondering what had happened. Yes, I admit I was tires, but from then on I felt dreadful for the whole day, and have resolved to go for the herbal teas in future.

Cold of Wandsworth

I'm currently working in an office in Wandsworth and found to my dismay that the heating is turned off over the weekends. This means that first thing monday morning it is so cold that everybody is wrapped up in scarfs and hats and writing in the air with their breath. Tapping away at their frozen keyboards with ice-picks.

Okay, maybe not that bit. But it is cold. And I don't blame the office for saving energy over the weekend. Maybe just pop it on a bit earlier. Or redo the system. Because on top of that, at the moment when I pop out for a coffee, I literally can't feel my hands by the time i'm caressing my capuccino. It's that cold. It's like The Day after Tomorrow. But worse. And if it doesn't warm up soon, Wandsworth Common will freeze over and the ducks in the pond will need skates.

In search of the perfect curry . . .

I'm a big fan of curry. And I think that the perfect curry is a difficult beast to tame. Everyone wants something different, but for me, it has to be excellent quality of ingredients (no grisly chicken thanks), the right balance of spice to taste, and neither swimming in sauce or bone dry. Not too tricky, you think. But let me tell you so many places get it wrong.

Recently I've been lucky enough to savour a few different Indian restaurants in different cities in England. First off, I did the up-market Bombay Bicycle Club in Wandsworth down the Nightingale Lane (http://www.qype.co.uk/place/254217-The-Bombay-Bicycle-Club-London). Amazing. And in the right ways. It had a great quality of ingredient, perfect spice and was just darn good. A bit on the pricey side, but then again, it is London. Next up was Akbars in Leeds (http://www.qype.co.uk/place/54752-Akbars-Restaurant-Leeds). Again, a fearsome contender, although my Chicken Tikka Masala was seriously spicy. Too spicy, in fact. Which was a slight shame. But the rest of it made up. And it was more reasonably priced.

Last of all, I tried Blue Mango in Birmingham. Again, this started well enough, with excellent bhajis, and sumptuos lamb tikka, but fell away a bit with the slightly bland main dishes and over-priced beers. Nonetheless, it was still a really top meal. I left realising that in fact, for me, a good curry may well be a state of mind. And that maybe I still haven't found the perfect curry. If you have, please let me know.

The Death of Theatre

Unfortunatley, I think that theatre in the provinces of England is dying a slow, painful death.

This is due not to the quality of work being produced but the audiences not willing to part with their money to see theatre unless it has a famous face in it or somebody from one of these tv talent shows. Because of this, theatres are becoming stretched and struggling to fund themselves.

Take for example, one of the shining lights of regional theatre, the West Yorkshire Playhouse (http://www.qype.co.uk/place/196720-West-Yorkshire-Playhouse-Leeds). The current season has been challenging and exciting and of great quality, yet where were the audiences? I went to see a cracking production of Privates on Parade, yet the auditorium was half empty. So what is the solution? I'll tell you, I've figured it out.

The next reality tv show that the BBC, our national broadcasting agency, funds, should be finding a new talent for our repertory theatres, and taking a show from theatre to theatre with this familiar face and familiar project, thus filling our theatres with the new audiences. Not just lining the pockets of Lloyd Weber and Cameron Mackintosh!!