The Wedding Planner

Oh God, help me in your infinite wisdom. It's upon us. Wedding season. And how, o Lord, am I supposed to afford to attend the many stags, weddings and presents lying in wait?

Actually, there's nothing like a good wedding, but am I right in saying that if you organise a stag weekend that insists upon flying away to a remote spot then paying for endless expensive experiences, you're effectively saying to your mates 'pay up, or you don't like me'. So we have a choice. Swallow our pride, put our hands in our pockets, and go and enjoy, or stick two fingers up to our conjugally-excited buddies. The choice is yours.

When I get married, I'll do a london stag, probably all in Balham so I can crash in my own bed and get a kebab from the marmaris. I'll let you know.

estate agent rant

Right, I'm going to rant about my estate agents, who have been irritating the hell out of me for the past few weeks.

I warn you, this will sound petty, but bear with it.

A month ago, I moved into a new flat in Balham, and because there was only one set of keys, and two of us moving in, I offered to get the keys cut, and be reimbursed by the agents. Was I reimbursed? Was I "$£%! Emails, phone calls, tears, threats, pleas - all to no avail.

It's now a month later, and the money is still to be paid back - Atkinson Mcleod, you know who you are - and I have decided to take action for the good people of renting-ville. We shan't be taken for granted any more. We will stand up for our rights. And I will get my 24.53 back! I am going in. Wish me luck.

Boris

Here we go - an era of tory mayorship, and only the poor to suffer. Oh no, that's not fair. Brown's ingenous 10p rate fiasco has ensured that whatever side of the wing we fly, us low income chaps are sure to get stung.

Actually, I've amazingly found blustery boris quite impact driven in the last couple of weeks - no booze on public transport, for instance - great idea, just nobody's listening because nobody's checking. I'm happy to give him a chance, but please, Bozza, think of us in our under-heated flats whilst you hike up the price of everything in reach, and have a heart.

The Sirens of Balham

Is it just me, or are there an unbelievable number of police cars driving down balham high road on a day (Ironically, one's just gone past)? I don't know whether it's a crime hot-spot, but it doesn't feel like one, or whether there's just a police station within easy reach stuffed full of waiting police vehicles.

Either way, coppers, do you think you could find a way of turning the volume down on your sirens when you drive down the high road? It really gets in the way of late night family guy!

sunbathing on clapham common

Now, I surely can't be alone in thinking how peculiar it is, that at the first sign of summer, all the attractive girls appear in bikinis and spread themselves around clapham common. And all their boyfriends become obsessed with their six packs and try to tan their torsos.

But why do we do this. We know that in a week the rain will be back, our tans will fade, and we will all be miserable again. Why do we buy into the illusion that England has a good climate? And why oh why do we all sunbathe on the common? I don't know, but it's great, and it makes me proud to be british.

south west voyeur

is it me, or are the lives of people living opposite fascinating to all? I happen to live on a busy main road in balham, and opposite are hundreds of flats, all with their own lives going on. Much like fat naked guy from friends, I am beginning to invent whole stories for my neighbours. The lesbian students who sunbathe on the roof, the guy who never leaves, probably a psychopath, and the family who never seem to sit still. It's extraordinary how many lives go on around you, and how little you know about any of it.

dog cred

why is it that local gangs insist on walking around flanked by pitbulls and rottweilers? Do they not realise that they are quite menacing enough without needing the extra threat of a violent dog? I was chilling in greenwich park the other day, and noticed a group of about ten young guys in bling walking in a row, each lead by a ferocious looking dog. It's like a new definition of resevoir dogs isn't it? Anyway, I'm still here to tell the story, so I guess those dogs weren't after a pound of my flesh. But seriously, guys, we're all scared enough, maybe pick up a few yorkies or a poodle or two eh?

late night eating

can somebody explain to me why so many good takeaway joints shut early when the pubs are staying open later and later? I often arrive home at around midnight a little peckish and find my only food options are an all night mcdonalds, southern fried chicken or a kebab Why aren't those great indian and chinese takeout's open just that little bit later. Go on, give it a go, and you might find it's not just me that wants to munch down on a bhaji at midnight!

macho macho man

I'm not weak. I mean, I'm not known for being weak. I am lucky enough to have a fast metabolism, and play enough sport to keep in average shape.

However, entering my local gym in Balham last week, I was suddenly aware of my total lack of strength. Surrounded by large men with large muscles, I found myself worrying that I had some body issue. I mean, if they were so strong, I must be odd. A freak. I mean, where were my bulging triceps? Why did I have to move the weight down by twenty notches each time?

But then I realised. It's no longer cool to be tough. Weak is the new strong. And by god, by those rules, I'm in line for Mr Universe!

Telly Vision

My mate's a tv producer. He makes documentaries. At least, he wanted to make documentaries. He's now doing what I guess is called trash tv.

Starting off his televisual life as a bona-fide documentary enthusiast, he has slowly slid into making programmes following gap-year students around their binge-drinking travels, filming cars falling off cliffs, and men pleasuring themselves all in the name of entertainment. 

But I don't blame him. He's just going where the work is. What's happened to us as a society that we're no longer interested in wildlife or history or world politics, but would much rather watch endless repeats of 'a place in the sun'. Let's stop making food and property programmes, and get back to real entertainment and interesting tv.

Mayor mayor

Who's going to take the coveted crown of London Mayor?

Will it be Bonkers Boris or Kanny Ken? I would be astonished if the gibbering Tory buffoon is voted in by the eclectic London population. In fact, the only way I can see it happening is if Ken's supporters just assume he's going to take it and don't bother voting. I mean, unless you hate Livingstone, surely no sane person would want a prejudiced right winger muddling his way through the next four years leaving confusion and misery in his wake.

After the travesty of the 10p rate fiasco, from our very own lefties (haha!) surely we can't slide further and further into an elitist society that Boris Johnson would represent! Can we?

Global Warming

Is it me, or is global warming a misnomer? I was talking to a friend the other day about the fact that the weather is mental at the moment, and the deluge of rain is far-east-esque, and he shrugged and went 'global warming mate'.

How is rain part of global warming, shouldn't it be called global soaking? It is however, a real worry for all of us if this is a sign of things to come. If the weather keeps up these extremes, and gets worse, where does it end? A tsunami racing through clapham common? A typhoon sucking up a branch of foxtons? Hmmm, actually that sounds pretty good. 

And why do we still not get a proper summer? I thought at least we'd get that finally!

un-common fitness

Who's tried the new craze for military fitness? You'd know about it if you have. I tried this craze a few weeks ago and loved it. But then I thought, I could do this myself. Why pay 50 quid a month for jogging. And I live over the road from Clapham Common. It's so easy!

So, a week later, decked out in flash new trainers, tight vest and jogging bottoms, I set out to put my theory to the test. I lasted ten minutes. After shouting at myself for being lazy and slow, I decided to ignore my inner monologue and go grab a sandwich.

They charge for a reason. You just don't exercise on your own. But those sandwiches . . .

south london theatre

Now, I'm interested in the theatre, and have been thinking recently how scarce theatre is in south london. 

By which I mean producing theatre, not receiving houses. Apart from the BAC and the Orange Tree what theatres south of the river put on shows. You see old places like the clapham grand, brixton academy being great music venues, but why don't we see any theatre there any more? Basically, I'm saying let's reclaim some of these old venues, and get people back in the theatre.

Balham Clapham

Balham is the new Clapham.

I hear this a lot. But why? Balham is actually a lot cooler than it's northern neighbour, much cheaper and much more compact. I say this having been a clapham-ite for years and just being shunted down south due to high rental prices. I now have a tube and overground three minutes away, rather than being not very near either, a waitrose and a sainsbury within stones throw, rather than a tesco metro ten minutes walk, and a plethora of cool bars and eaties on my doorstep. Actually I did live near abbeville road, so that's pretty hard to beat, but Balham isn't the new clapham, it's the old tooting.

Train pain

Why can't Southwest trains be relied on? In fact, why can't any train supplier be relied on?

Is it just me, or apart from the tube, and even the tube a lot, it is so hard to rely on trains to get you anywhere? I'm actually a biker, so don't get the trains much, but it having turned into monsoon weather recently, I've been getting the train to work, and have been late half of the time. What can we do? Vote Boris? I don't think so. I suppose wrap up and get back on the bike.